Divorces represent 41.3% of marriages in Bulgaria in 2023, according to data from the National Statistical Institute. By this indicator, we don’t differ much from the EU, where the same percentage is 39%. Such a high figure is not something that can easily be ignored—especially when half of these divorces occur in families with young children.
Much has been written about the reasons for divorce and the sociocultural factors that influence this trend. We won’t focus on that here. There is something more important—how partners can preserve themselves during the divorce process, so that their children don’t end up as indirect victims of their parents’ decisions. We explore this topic in a discussion with Ivelina Mihalkova, a mediator from Intentia Association, with whom we work with couples in financially disadvantaged situations.
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Karina: In my practice, I often come across one stereotype regarding family counseling—that the counselor must always be “on the side of the marriage.” By default, a couple who seeks to preserve their marriage rediscovers the communication patterns that hinder their relationship, removes them, and as a result, their bond strengthens, intimacy grows, and the newly discovered ways of communication make the relationship more fulfilling. And yes, in many cases this works wonderfully. But that’s not always the case.
There are other situations where one or both partners have already made the decision to divorce, and what they seek is not reconciliation but guidance on how to make this process as painless as possible. Such cases are becoming more common—more and more often, couples come to me already at the breaking point, exhausted by conflict, while the children suffer the most. Usually, one partner says, “There’s no other way—we’ll see each other in court.” But there is another way, isn’t there?
Ivelina: Yes, there is—and it’s called mediation: a procedure where both parties, with the help of a neutral facilitator, can reach an agreement without going to court. It’s faster, cheaper, and much less damaging—not only for the parents but also for their children.
Karina: That sounds like a healthier option. The first step one of the partners usually takes is to consult a lawyer. Sometimes I myself refer clients to a lawyer because the questions they raise concern legal issues, not psychological ones. But if there’s a better alternative, why do so few people choose it?
Ivelina: Mainly for two reasons—lack of awareness and emotional charge.
First, many people simply don’t know that they can resolve their disputes through mediation—they think divorce necessarily goes through the court. Second, when there is pain, betrayal, a wounded ego, comes the urge “to get back at them,” “to make them pay.” But in court, no one really wins—you only lose time, money, and dignity.
Karina: Exactly. I see how the desire to “win” often prevents people from moving forward. And when children are involved, the situation can get ugly—children are often used as weapons against the other parent. I don’t keep official statistics, but most of the adults who come to me for various psychological difficulties report bitter memories of their parents’ separation earlier in life. Mediation, however, offers a much more mature approach—it’s not about who’s right, but about how everyone can move on with as little harm as possible.
Ivelina: Precisely. In a mediation process, we can talk about real needs—the children’s, the parents’, the family’s as a whole. While the court focuses on documents and deadlines, we seek human solutions. And often, that’s exactly what’s missing in divorces—humanity.
Karina: And children feel everything. When parents take each other to court, children find themselves in a minefield where their young minds are trapped in constant frustration. In my counseling sessions, I often hear echoes of children’s anxieties. For example, when a mother actively prevents the father from spending time with the child. I recently had such a case—the child expressed his frustration like this: “Dad picks me up from school. If I say I want to go to Mom, he’ll think I don’t love him. If I say I want to go with him, Mom will scold me.” How can a child of eight possibly make such a decision? That’s the harm. Later, this experience can trigger various traumatic reactions. But in mediation, when the process is conducted with respect, the child senses that parents can separate without destroying each other.
Ivelina: Yes, and that’s the most valuable thing—to preserve parenthood, even when the relationship is over. Mediation teaches people to communicate again, this time in a more mature and constructive way. Sometimes just one session is enough to achieve understanding that years of court battles couldn’t bring.
Karina: As a specialist, I see how important it is to create a space where anger can be heard, but not allowed to dictate decisions. The mediator is not a judge; they are a facilitator of communication. They’re much closer to a psychologist, because they also work with the partners’ emotional worlds—with their needs, desires, and values.
Ivelina: Yes, the mediator doesn’t impose a solution—they help find it. And when both sides reach an agreement themselves, they’re much more likely to honor it. That’s why we say that mediation doesn’t end with a signature—it begins a new phase of cooperation.
Karina: Perhaps the best thing we can do is to spread the word about this option. People should know that mediation is not an “alternative to justice,” but a way to resolve conflicts maturely and with dignity.
Ivelina: I agree. Because sometimes the strongest move in a conflict isn’t to win—but to preserve yourself and the peace in your family.
Karina: Thank you for the conversation. To sum up, it’s worth emphasizing that mediation is a voluntary, confidential, and accessible procedure that can be initiated even before a court case is filed. It saves money, time, and emotional damage—especially when children are involved. The main obstacles to using it are lack of awareness and emotional reactivity. Better information and support from psychologists, lawyers, and institutions can help make this more mature model of conflict resolution better known and more widely chosen in our society.
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Beyond divorce, mediation has wide applications in other life and professional situations where conflict can be resolved without court. It is successfully used in family disputes between parents and adult children, workplace conflicts between employees and employers, neighborhood and property disputes, as well as disagreements between business partners. It’s increasingly applied in schools too—through school mediation, where students and teachers learn to engage in dialogue and find solutions without blame or punishment.
The advantage of mediation is that it restores trust and communication instead of destroying them, as often happens in court procedures. Whether it’s within a family, an organization, or a community, this approach helps the parties to listen, to understand, and to build stronger relationships—even after conflict.
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